Giving In

Chloe- not one to give in

Sometimes, I see myself giving in.

Resting my head against the kitchen table. Fingers splayed, the chiseled and etched and painted upon wood cooling my palms, my fingertips, my wrists, my cheeks.

Locks of my hair, whisping across my neck, my chin, my lips.

Breathing, still, done.

I see myself doing this as different light edges against my day.

When my children seem to be wild. Morning rays sliding through the windows, glistening against their ponytails and “big boy spikes.”

When my laundry seems to be multiplying. A shocking mix of memories- glittery pocketed jeans worn to the movies, a sheer skirt worn to dance class, a nubby sweatshirt worn for the requisite leaf pile jump- demanding my attention just as the sun sets.

When Jason and I seem to be at odds -equally stubborn eyes, stance, shoulders so very sure that each is right- by starlight.

When I feel tired and busy and unsure, I waver, and giving in tempts me.

I don’t really need well behaved children.

Head down.

I don’t really need a healthier body.

Fingers splayed.

I don’t really need my dreams met.

Cheek cooling.

I don’t really need that relationship smoothed.

Hair whisping.

Giving in crosses my heart and leaves me slumped.

I bite the feeling back, push it away, will it gone. Because when it’s right there in my eyes, it must be dangerous.

But then, a teeny tiny wave of my heart wakes up and wonders if this feeling- is actually okay.

More than okay. Maybe even necessary?

This vision that I have of giving in -with the cheek and the fingers and the whisps and everything- maybe it forces me to recommit, to me.

I whisper those last two words because they feel like a confession.

But yes, to me.

To decide that I’m worth the fight, the push, the gift of working towards exactly what I want one teeny tiny choice at a time.

And that feels like an even bigger confession- but, yes. The choices that I make are a gift. To me. Now I just need to make them.

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Comments

  1. It’s hard sometimes, girl. So very hard.

    At least you stayed at the table. Sometimes I want to bury myself under the covers in my bed. 😉

    xo

  2. I give up so many times. As long as we pick ourselves up as often as we give up…

  3. I can so relate G, I feel your pain. I’m currently going thru a moment of self-doubt; as a mother, as a wife, as a mother. But when I’m ready to throw in the towel, it’s those exact people in my life that renew my spirit. Vicious cycle my friend….vicious cycle.

  4. *as a mother, as a wife, as a woman*……sorry~

  5. Oh dear friend, I know how that feels. I do. So often, I’ve wanted to give in. But my little fighter in the innermost of my heart and mind refuses to.

  6. I have the same struggle with staying motivated. We have to push ourselves but it’s so hard sometimes.

  7. Beautiful stated! I often feel like giving in, usually when I am feeling overwhelmed and not seeing the apparent rewards for my efforts at not giving in. I’ve learned that it’s in those moments of wanting to give in, however, that I’m most inspired to be better, to make the most change, to be my best self. So while those moments of wanting to give in scare me, they also inspire me.

  8. I think I give in more often than I should. I know exactly how you feel!

  9. I have felt just like this! You captured the feeling perfectly!

  10. Sometimes we need to just give in and give ourselves a break. The laundry will still be there the next day. Of course this is all easier said than done.

  11. Sometimes I wish I would give in a bit more. Sometimes I am so set in my answer, ways, behaviors…that I don’t give anyone a fair chance. Your writing in this post was absolutely beautiful!

  12. Yes. Absolutely, completely, yes. XO

  13. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart….that you are enough and worth it and capable. I honestly look to YOU for so many things, to show ME the way, to teach me how to NOT GIVE UP or GIVE IN.

    I know somedays (for all of us) it is so hard to keep up, to keep going, to keep swimming (WINK) but for me, you are te reason I don’t give up somedays…and that has to count for somthin 😉
    xoox

  14. I think it’s okay to give in… temporarily. To cut ourselves some slack and realize that not everything is going to be how we would want it right in that moment. That we can pause and then try again another day.

  15. There are days when we definitely want to give up the fight, and maybe on those days we do, but then there are other days when we rally and fight and know we can do this thing!

  16. I believe that recognizing setbacks and moments of discouragement are not synonymous with giving in.

    You are so worth it.

    And it doesn’t have to be a confession. It’s a proclamation.

  17. I think this feeling is normal & healthy. I give up at things all the time. Sometimes it is necessary because it helps lead to that motivation for you to pick up again.

  18. That was me this weekend…just ready to give in!!! Love this post!

  19. What a great way to put this. It can be so hard to stay committed to the thing we most care about, because they are often the things that challenge us the most. I will carry this with me, and try to remember that those days I can stay with it, those are gifts to me :)

  20. I had already decided that I needed a “break” today – that I would try to catch up on blog reading and comments, sift through emails but not stress about them…

    I felt a little guilty about it, truly.

    My husband is away on business working hard. My kids are at school working hard.

    Shouldn’t I be killing myself right now to be writing and making an organic dinner and taking the dogs for a run and getting all the laundry sorted/washed/folded/put away?

    Maybe.

    But instead I’m taking a breath and trying to catch up at my own pace today. And you just made me feel a little better about it.

    Hugs my friend. Big ones.

  21. Beautiful take on such an everyday feeling. Really, who doesn’t want to give in? Me, at least once an hour; just not as elegantly as seem to be able to. Lovely writing, my new friend.

  22. Oh, you so deserve a break. A moment that’s just yours. A moment to give in, so that you can come back stronger and make those dreams happen.

  23. So wonderful. Not the feeling, the post. I think we all have these moments and I find sometimes I have to give in on some things to save others, if that makes sense. I just try to balance everything and not give on on the same thing too often for too long.

  24. They are a gift to you. And we all know how hard it is to give yourself a gift, don’t we? Beautiful post, Galit.

  25. Ah, Galit, this post contained emotions that were so familiar to me lately. So beautifully written in a way that was uniquely yours.

    We were trained to be there for others, to be strong, to be resilient… especially once we’ve become mothers… our purpose was mostly to be a good example to our children. Giving in was almost always NOT an option, and we fought and fought and fought… Like you, sometimes I wondered, whether there were times when giving in would actually be good for us. Maybe if we let it out, blow off out steam until we ran out of breath, we could also begin healing ourselves?

  26. Oh, I get this too. I sometimes confuse resting my head like that with just rest, and not giving up, which is what I am really tempted to do (and more often than not do give in to.)

    Steph

  27. I can relate to this feeling. All too well. Sometimes I want to just give in and other times I feel like I resist it when I shouldn’t.

  28. I think sometimes, for the sake of our sanity, we have to give in. I know that I’m an overachiever. And if I don’t cut myself some slack every once in a while, I drive myself nuts and push myself too hard. It’s okay to not be perfect all the time and to rest when we need to rest. The important thing is that you get up and get back to it.

  29. I don’t think the head-on-the-table moment is the end of the line, either…sometimes you need a moment’s rest to gather the energy to push back. Because the battles are too important to be approached with only half our strength.

  30. This could be me at the kitchen table. But you make it more beautiful.

  31. Yes. Love you. Love this. Been there. Am there now, many days. Beautifully written. Thank you.

  32. We always come last as moms, wives, friends…but by giving US the gifts we need, we are more able to be there FULLY for them.

  33. We have all felt this way: moms and writers, I think especially. Because each of these things requires so much energy. So much commitment. And sometimes there are so voices that make us feel small.

    Who hasn’t been at your kitchen table? I have.

    Except when I am feeling saggy, it isn’t beautiful the way you have painted it. It is a huge explosion: a giant meltdown with screaming and mascara down the face and balled fists. It ain’t pretty.

    You? You make insecurity and uncertainty sound positively gorgeous.

  34. It is so easy to give in thanks for the reminder that giving in means losing a little piece of me.
    As usual lovely

  35. Keely Weiland says:

    My favorite part of this post was : “To decide that I’m worth the fight, the push, the gift of working towards exactly what I want one teeny tiny choice at a time.”.
    And I LOVED what Sue the Desperate Housemommy said. AMEN.
    You are worth it. We are all SO WORTH IT.
    XOXO

  36. Oh so lovely we have all been there at one time, many times and that ability to stand back up and say NO! That is priceless.

    Beautiful.

  37. Everyday my friend…that thought of giving up…of just releasing it all….alas I’m grateful I don’t.

  38. Boy, do I get that! It’s hard to maintain the momentum of never giving in – like a rat on a treadmill. Others here have said it. It’s okay to give in sometimes – let it be – let the balls fall. Rest… and then begin again.

  39. I worry about parents who never worry about their parenting skills and never feel doubt about life in general. You don’t have to panic all the time but if you don’t question yourself occasionally there is something wrong with you.

  40. I’m trying to find time to finish this O article about burn out, but I haven’t been able to yet! :)

  41. Totally understand that feeling. But then I get a second wind and I keep on going. Makes me feel so much better when I do.

  42. What a beautifully written post. I can relate. I think most women and mothers can relate. Thank you for sharing….and hey, good for you for not giving in.

  43. Ahh yes, it’s a battle I seem to face often, too. Sometimes the urge to give in and throw the towel is overwhelming but I try and remember always who I’m doing it for. Not always easy. The good news is that on the other end of that spectrum, we can feel so proud for what we’ve accomplished when we meet our goals.

    Beautifully writte, Galit, as always. Hope all’s well with you, hunny. XOXO