“Read,” she says, her voice laced with sleep and little girl and the command that this surely is.
We sit on the smallest couch in the room so I can be close to my coffee. It doesn’t matter that it’s cooling just out of reach, it’s there, and we are puzzle pieced.
I note their warm skin, their “growing out” hair, their pink tipped fingers.
Their locks tickle my shoulders and I breathe in their shampoo, realizing that the scent matches my own.
I’m not sure what’s stronger – the tug of apple and strawberry that used to be or the promise that sharing shampoo holds.
This kind of morning quiet is rare. So as the sky brightens in blues and greens, I do, indeed, read.
My voice lilts softly and carries quickly.
But when I reach the words, “A fat boy…” I pause.
In fact, I not only pause, I draw in my breath, sit up straight, and get ready to DISCUSS this description.
But I’m stilled, because I’m the only one reacting.
Later that night, I share this moment with my husband, who often skates the line between playing “Devil’s Advocate” to see if he can get a rise out of me and staying quiet, letting me work things out on my own.
He chooses the latter.
And I wonder out loud if it’s my own baggage that made describing someone as “fat” uncomfortable. The narrator wasn’t sneering or leering or teasing, just describing.
I talk to my kids about the fat in foods, the fat that I’m trying to lose, and the fat that I’m striving to turn into muscle.
Fat isn’t a Bad Word, is it?
They need to know to never use words cruelly – how intent and body language and tone of voice carry messages quite far.
But what about the word Fat? Should we use it? Should our kids?
Word of mouth is the absolute best thing that can happen for anything, really. Please help me get the word out about:
- How do you use your voice? Yes, you. Link up with Nicole of By Word of Mouth Musings and I right now, right here.
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it bothers me, too. and why does the fat boy have to be “picking his nose” while the girl in the back “combed her long blonde hair”….to pair the descriptor “fat” with a negative behavior gives it a certain meaning, i think.
I agree that pairing “fat” with a negative behavior makes it worse. Fat has become a negative way to describe appearance and adding other negatives just reinforces that.
You’re both right! The second part of that sentence was just as cringe-worthy as the first!
I do not like the word and I have no “baggage” that goes along with it. I cringe when I see it in the little kids books (like, I’m talking preschool and kindy level stuff) and silly kids songs (“….9, 10, the big fat hen!”). Kate is built completely different than Maddie, and I know she will have struggles with her body as she ages. It’s hard to be positive and avoid focus on weight, looks, etc., but I definitely try my darndest to do so.
I thnk that’s it’s perfectly ok to describe something as fat. The fact that the fat boy was picking his nose is a stereotype and that’s an entirely different thing. Every time someone doesn’t like a word we just get rid of it in America.
Life is tough..lmuch better to discuss this with your kids than attempt to get rid of the descriptor. I don’t think it’s a big deal. If the girl was emancipated or anorexic that would be a descriptor too!
I get this. At my core I get this. We can’t just get rid of words that we dislike – although I have to admit that there are plenty that I don’t use on purpose. Oy.
What you wrote about needing to discuss it with our kids is the real rub, isn’t it?
Sorry for all the typos…I blame my iPad
We are kind of conditioned these days to take the negative of a word and then bandy it about and make it evil
Babies used to have fat, chubby thighs, and people were happy and gay, hair can be dull and lifeless and … you get the point.
My Dad will tell my girls that oh, look at that belly, what have you been eating, or my goodness you are shooting up and getting tall and skinny – he is 65 – he sees no harm in what he is saying … maybe it was better that way?
More to worry about
and also, I must stop using smiley faces in comments xxx
I’ve been struggling with how to approach weight and size with my kids, but I’ve been nervous as to how to word the post since I don’t even know how to word it for my kids. Plus, I have baggage too (I was anorexic throughout college although have been in recovery for 11 years now), and I dread the idea of my kids developing an ED not that I’m so powerful but I just don’t want to contribute in any way.
I so respect that perspective – and couldn’t agree more.
I don’t want to contribute to this in any way, but I don’t know what the best way is not to?
i feel the same way every single time i read Dr. Seuss’s Would you Rather Be a Bullfog? “would you rather be a skinny or a fat?” with pictures of a lanky animal or a big round one. every single time i read it, i cringe. i try not to make a big deal about it because it’s just a description. it really is. but i still cringe cuz, well, i’m fat. ha. but not just fat, i mean really fat. it is what it is, i’m doing what i can to be healthier but yes, i’m fat. but that’s not ALL of who i am. you know? i know this, my kid knows this, but a stranger may not. a stranger may only see me as Fat. and, well, ok??? i guess my point is that while i do get what you’re saying, and while i, too, have found myself thinking way too much about the darn word, it’s just a word. it really is just a descriptive word.
I love what you wrote.
I have (and love) that book too, and also cringe EverySingleTime I read that choice. (I don’t think my kids have ever chosen A Fat? Ouch.)
But without the baggage and the hurts and the teasing that we’re all familiar with (without the intent that we’re worried about) it is, ultimately) a word, isn’t it?
Given the other behaviors in that paragraph, the nose picking (not good), and it being the fat boy doing the picking, I think the author was creating a picture of a gross fat kid. Now, in the context of the story, it might have been fine. I can’t remember. Is Mrs. Jeepers Wayside School or Bailey whatever kids? Wayside the portrait can be safely taken as a sarcastic jab at society. Bailey whatevers? Enhhhh not so much. The books are funny, and they’re great for early readers, but they skirt the surface of most issues, and I doubt the authors had a second thought when they threw it in there. The kid may get fleshed out – I forget – but my impression is that you’re right to be concerned, but also right to just keep reading. The kiddos don’t want (or need) to hear the pros and cons and what’s going ons in the middle of their morning book. Sometimes, parental response can increase a problem.
I was verbally abused as a child so there are a lot of words that are not permitted in our house and one of those is fat.
A month ago, my son was out in our own backyard and the neighbor behind us called him a fat homo…I was enraged.
There have been books that I’ve donated because of language not suitable.
Perhaps I’m over reacting…but I don’t want my son using that language on anyone…
Yeah… I grew up the fat kid, though I never picked my nose all that much. (in public, anyway)…
But yes, it botheres me a lot how writers describe kids to kids, especially on TV. Disney channel shows are the worst, in my opinion, particularly their use of “Geek” or “Nerd”… I really get steamed when the cheerleader characters act disgusted and throw those terms around.
Makes me want to yell, “Those nerds will one day be your boss, b*tch… ”
My oldest is on the “not skinny” side of the fence, at 6, and if I recall, I started getting picked on shortly thereafter. I’m hoping she grows into herself a bit, and I’m trying to educate her on better snack choices, and pushing her toward activity, but… I think there’s going to be some heartache soon…
This is hard for me.
We have some books with fat, and I try to change the words (my kids are little). Of course, I have actually crossed out and written different words in such classics as the Lorax. (I don’t like “Stupid” or “Shut up” either. I am crazy.)
Fat is particularly hard because I can see Abbey developing with a body type I had growing up. She will never be the littlest, thinnest, etc. and I don’t want her to identify solely with body type
In my first job after college, I worked closely with a Russian-national . . . she was a very good programmer, but very proper, socially. For some reason or other, I was driving back from DC with her and my boss, and we started playing some game (while stuck in DC traffic).
I can’t, for the life of me, remember the details of the game we were playing (some advanced sort of guessing game), but we started trying to figure out ways to describe Santa Claus. And Marina steadfastly refused to use the word “fat,” because it was a “bad word.” And, considering her Russian accent, she was cognizant of always appearing proper.
That was, honestly, the first time that I had thought of “fat” as being a real insult (at the time, I weighed 320 pounds, so the term really should have hit me as truly derogatory by then)
That is an excellent question. I often pause when words like that (that aren’t bad in and of themselves, but bad when used in a mean way) are in books/shows/movies. It’s so important for us to teach our kids to just be kind, isn’t it?
I totally get why that word has power, but I have to temper my urge to shelter my child and remember my primary job is to set her up to live in the world. My approach is to instill her with confidence in herself (the best I am able), give her tools to deal with the unfairness in cruelty that exists in the world and foster empathy every possible chance I get so she won’t be the one inflicting cruelty. It will take about 15-20 years to see if this approach is a good one. That’s the hard part.
This is a tough one, Galit. I guess I don’t think of it as a bad word – but how I teach my kids to use their words. If I heard them ever referring to a person using the word I would be angry – but when I hear them in the backyard saying ‘oh that worm in the garden is sure a big fat one’ – I don’t think I’d even take pause. I don’t know. Great discussion my friend.
Hmmm this is so loaded for me, of course. When I was little, I wasn’t fat – I was just a big kid, very tall and big boned. Always the biggest girl my age, in a classroom full of tiny little things who could pass for younger than they were. But little kids don’t know the difference between big and fat, so that’s what I was called. And guess what? I grew up to be fat. Go figure.
I know that comment had nothing to do with anything, but the book I’m writing has to do with this, how the words we hear and repeat to ourselves throughout our lives become our truth whether we know it or not. I think it’s great for parents to talk to their kids about this word and all hurtful words – but also about how a word is just a word. It doesn’t *mean* anything unless you want it to. But you never know how another person feels about that same word, so it’s always better to be kind.
This is a complicated issue, Galit. Glad you brought it up here. I think I could write an entire blog post on it (I often feel that way when I visit you) but shall refrain from doing so in your comments today – ha!
I will share that I’ve raised my kids to use words differently depending on whether they are describing a person rather than a thing. For example “Stupid” has never been a bad word in our home, although that’s a popular designation these days.
No, we do not apply it to people (Jack was not allowed to call his sister stupid, for example); but drinking and driving?
Yeah. That’s STUPID. Really really stupid. (My kids are teenagers so we have these conversations.)
Doing illegal drugs? Stupid. Beyond.
So for what it’s worth, I don’t think “fat” is a bad word by itself; it’s the context in which it’s used that should be judged.
Unfortunately, as above mentioned, we can’t get rid of words we don’t like but I think it’s very important that when our children come across these words that we explain why (in age appropriate ways) why they make us uncomfortable and why we shouldn’t use them especially when describing another person.
Good conversation as always Galit.
Yikes! I should have re-read that comment before posting. VERY poor sentence structure
Clearly I am doing too many things at once.
My boys are 6 and 4. We have watched The Biggest Loser together because they love the challenges and such – and we started saying that people who are overweight are unhealthy. They’re working out, trying to lose their weight, to be stronger and healthier. I’ve noticed that they use that word in other situations, too – an obese teacher {the true definition, I’d say} – that they would like Miss J to get healthier.
Have I used “look at that big fat cloud!” – yes.
But, because I’m kinda always trying to lose weight and get stronger, I’ve tried to stick to our terms. Saying FAT as an insult, not OK. Neither is saying Unhealthy as an insult…just that for us, it’s a better way to talk about food and exercise. I don’t think I’m making sense.
Erm, what Julie said.
Way better.
Words are powerful. Using words in certain ways makes us powerful. With great power comes great responsibility.
Ok. Cheesy but you get the idea. I wouldn’t draw attention to the word yet; however when it is used to describe someone I would use that as an opportunity to explain that words can hurt if used in a not nice way.
Thanks for giving me some food for thought (as always) Galit!
I don’t think the description is bad. I think the connotation is bad. We’ve made this into a “bad” word, when really it should be the same as saying “You have dark brown hair.” That is what is sad about it.
I absolutely cringe when I see this word in books. It’s all over picture books and preschool chapter books. I cringe because, as Jennifer (above) noted, we have taken a word and made it very negative over time. It’s almost always used to tease or to describe parts of our bodies that we are unhappy with. In medical jargon, it’s just a word. But we all know that’s not the case.
I have also noticed the word “hate” popping up a lot lately. This is another word that gives me chills. Just yesterday at the park, I heard a 5yo boy say to his friend, “I HATE that kid”. It’s just heartbreaking. Big, powerful words should be used very carefully.
I have the exact same reaction.
And I’ve noticed that in lots of books stereotypes are used. It’s not that I’m against using the word fat. But I’m against using it in a mean way.
Is the word just being used to describe someone? But isn’t there anything else to say about that someone? Is fat the only way to describe that person?
That’s how I talk to my children about it, and I do hope that they will never use the word fat to hurt someone.
I’ve been called other “F” words that stung more.
m.
This is a tough one. Though sometimes, it’s just a descriptor and not really mocking.
Sometimes I’ve paused in describing someone because I think “oh, it’s not nice to say that” but sometimes there isn’t any meanness involved in it. A few weeks ago, my husband had to find the team mom for one of my boys’ soccer teams- he texted me to ask what she looked like. My first thought was oh, she’s the big blonde woman you’ll see on our side of the field(as opposed to the brunette moms or the two skinny blonds). I hesitated to actually type that, though- b/c I thought it wasn’t nice to point out her size… but since I wanted my husband to actually find her and give her the money we owed for something for soccer, I went ahead and typed it out.
It is SO interesting to me the different connotations that some words carry with them. Especially THIS one. Because I’m SO okay with someone saying, “that is one fat cat!” But I am not okay with someone saying, “You are FAT”. In this case it does seem like it’s just simple descriptor and there is no malice behind it. I mean how else should the author describe the boy? “Heavy”, “Portly”, “Chubby”. How do we feel about all of those?
I’m not sure, but for some reason they still don’t seem to have the same sting as “the F word”, even though they mean something pretty similar…
This is when I’m glad I have a son. He doesn’t seem to care about body size, in girls or boys. He just cares about the people who live inside their skins. Girls, we have to think about fat. Being fat. Getting fat. Losing the baby-fat. Having boobs that make us feel fat. Fat knees. It’s exhausting.
(And this is why I never let Tech read Junie B. Jones books. They use the word “fat” a lot.)
Ooh, I’ve avoided this topic for so long. I could go on for miles. I have been thin, fat, athletic, pregnant, pregnant with twins, and somewhere in between thin and fat. Fat’s a word. I don’t think it’s the word itself that is the problem. It’s the connotation, the attributions (mostly wrong in my experience), the assumptions made by the ignorant, that are the problem. I am continually taken aback by peoples’ vain, coldhearted, and, for the most part, completely uninformed opinions about fat, or fat people, or people who are fat, or have fat. But, like I said, I could go on for miles about this, and someday likely will. It is what it is. The word doesn’t have power unless we give it power.
I do not condone the use of certain words in my house. Fat being one of them. Not because *I* have an issue with it (I’m not, as one would say, ‘fat’) I just don’t like the use of negative words *unnecessarily*. Ugly, fat, weird, freak, stupid, hate. (there are a few more) NONE of those words are okay to use in my house – again *unnecessarily*. I’ve never been bullied by these names so it isn’t like I have baggage that I carry around with regards to these terms and that is why I take issue with them. I am simply uncomfortable with the way they get used too often…and all too often negatively.
But then it also depends on the subject of how the word is being used. There’s one thing to call a bumblebee ‘fat’ but another to call a person ‘fat’. Hm. It’s a delicate subject isn’t it? Agh. This parenting thing. So complicated.
Is it wrong that I’m more disturbed by the act of nose picking than I am the word fat?
I don’t know, I would never say someone was fat – I’d say, slightly heavy, chubby – so yes, I guess I am uncomfortable with it. Hmmm…. never thought about it before.
I agree with a lot of the others that we have given so much power to words that don’t deserve that power. Fat is an adjective and was never meant to be a negative. I often wonder if all my “baggage” is really what motivates some of my word sensitivity in my house.
I try not to so much ban vocabulary but more to promote kindness – kind of like what Julie and Momma Kiss said.
I am fat (really fat, not can’t-fit-into-a-size-6 fat) and I say so. Other people (mostly my mother and my daughter) are horrified when I do, although there’s really no arguing with someone who wears a size 28. I have worked hard to teach my daughter that “fat” is not a moral failing or the sign of a bad person. I would have read the phrase, and then commented on it – “Wow. Look how the author is making the fat person look disgusting. That’s not nice”. I comment on fat jokes and the other images we see. Once you start looking, it’s really astonishing how much of it there is out there, and how pervasive it is. No wonder we recoil when someone calls us “fat”.
Such a fine line here. I think By Word Of Mouth Musings said it very well. Too many words have been taken and turned into such negative words. I think if you can use that to describe something in a way that won’t hurt someone it is an okay word…like a big, fat, juicy strawberry or big, chubby thighs on a newborn but to use it in terms of describing a person in real life, I feel you can find another way to point out that person. Maybe you could say the man in the blue striped shirt by the counter and not the fat man by the counter. That is what I try to teach my girls anyway. Does that make sense?
I often pause when reading books to my daughter because sometimes I’m not sure about a word choice/descriptor.
And I wonder if I’m being too sensitive… I’ve enjoyed reading the comments here,there’s an interesting discussion going on.
When it comes to books written in past years, I just let it go because it was a simpler time, a world where descriptive words were just descriptive words.
I loved Renee’s comment. So tired of worrying about eating fat, being fat or getting fat. I cannot stand that word but it is my own baggage. For years my sisters and I feared being the “fat” sister. As far as I am concerned the only way I would like to hear the word fat, is if it is describing a wallet…preferably mine.
I should have added that a girl can dream…
Fat is just a word, but it can sting. If you gloss over it then a young child can use it in a way to hurt others unintentionally. In my household it would be totally acceptable to call out a nosepicker, but NOT someone who is overweight. I don’t like it either, but I think it needs discussed.
As a member of a sorta-Spanish speaking family I will say that I have learned to sorta get over it. Our Mexican relatives use the word fat descriptively all the time. Directly translated to English it means FAT. But, they don’t mean it that way when they say it in Spanish. They mean it like they would mean black haired, or short. It’s not mean or condescending, it just is. I was upset when I first heard them describe me that way. But I was also hurt when I heard them say I was black. And then I realized I needed to get over it. Because I AM black, and it’s not bad. And I was quite overweight at the time, and it wasn’t bad either. Ok it was, and I lost weight, but they weren’t being mean to me or about me when they said it. I feel like it’s more our own cultural and historical attachments that make us uncomfortable with it.
I’m with Julie G. It’s about context for me and how you use the word. We can’t always shelter our kids, but we can educate them.
I think I read this already and didn’t comment (or if I did I’m senile). I think it’s partly a contextual issue, but partly to be avoided. When it wasn’t once a bad word, it has become one with time.
I just saw a blog with an ad for FAT GIRL SLIM cream and I was slightly offended..my son likes to say I’m PHat and I put the cabosh to that as well – he doesn’t know what it means exactly but he knows it’s nicer than FAT. Yes, that will get a reaction out of me no matter the context..
Hmmmm, this is a hard question. I also cringe at the use of the word fat, but as you described here, I’m sure that is really more of a reflection of my own inner mind than of the word itself. It is really just a descriptor; but it is such a sensitive one. And is it even a necessary one? In that story, and in so many other contexts, it seems that it could just be left out. It will be a fine line to walk to teach my son how and if to use that word.
This one was hard for me.
I see that word and I cringe.
I ache.
I cover my ears.
But you are right.
It’s just a description, depending on its use it can be hurtful or mean nothing.
It’s how we teach our children that matters.
I try my best to explain to kids that sometimes there are words that can hurt people without even meaning on using it. Fat is just a word but sometimes we can’t avoid hurting others.